So my evening project was to break down this whole watermelon. It’s a project because I haven’t tackled such an activity since I got sick. It seems like such a simple thing but to me, it was a big undertaking. First, there is the fatigue. I have been thinking about cutting this watermelon for about two weeks now. Most of the time, I think about things I want to do but don’t have the energy to act on it. Secondly, there are a slew of symptoms that I must make sure doesn’t take precedence. It’s usually a small window. Lastly, the muscle and joint pains make it hard for me to undertake tasks such as cutting up this watermelon. Many times, even a mango is a challenge!
I thought it was about time that I did it. It took me a long time and I only got through half of the melon but I did it!!! I was so proud. Another hurdle crossed. First whole watermelon is four years!
The problem, however, is always assessing the damage. It’s like I can start putting a grade on activities based on the cost benefit ratio of illness to joy. The cost to me was that I was incredibly tired and my fingers and wrist still aches (after a few hours) from the “strenuous” activity. As much as I had fun, I will probably chalk this up to something I must ask others to do for me, or buy pre-cut.
I constantly have to play this kind of prioritization game, from something as mundane as fruit cutting to making life choices.
The big question I have been grappling with is whether I should have a second child. Whether I can is something I can find out only after I try it. But whether I should….? I’m doing a cost-benefit analysis all the time. Everyone I know – friends, family and doctors – advises me that it a bad idea. And I know the risk to my health and to my existing family. The cost would be very high. The benefits, unknown. I do know that if it wasn’t for my health, I certainly would have another child. Of course, health is a huge factor. I have all but given up on the idea but I can’t stop thinking about it. It seems to be the one thing I can’t get over.