living with lupus, day by day, moment by moment

So my evening project was to break down this whole watermelon.  It’s a project because I haven’t tackled such an activity since I got sick.  It seems like such a simple thing but to me, it was a big undertaking.  First, there is the fatigue.  I have been thinking about cutting this watermelon for about two weeks now.  Most of the time, I think about things I want to do but don’t have the energy to act on it.  Secondly, there are a slew of symptoms that I must make sure doesn’t take precedence.  It’s usually a small window.  Lastly, the muscle and joint pains make it hard for me to undertake tasks such as cutting up this watermelon.  Many times, even a mango is a challenge! 

I thought it was about time that I did it.  It took me a long time and I only got through half of the melon but I did it!!! I was so proud.  Another hurdle crossed. First whole watermelon is four years!

The problem, however, is always assessing the damage.  It’s like I can start putting a grade on activities based on the cost benefit ratio of illness to joy.  The cost to me was that I was incredibly tired and my fingers and wrist still aches (after a few hours) from the “strenuous” activity.  As much as I had fun, I will probably chalk this up to something I must ask others to do for me, or buy pre-cut. 

I constantly have to play this kind of prioritization game, from something as mundane as fruit cutting to making life choices.

The big question I have been grappling with is whether I should have a second child.  Whether I can is something I can find out only after I try it.  But whether I should….? I’m doing a cost-benefit analysis all the time.  Everyone I know – friends, family and doctors – advises me that it a bad idea.  And I know the risk to my health and to my existing family.  The cost would be very high.  The benefits, unknown.  I do know that if it wasn’t for my health, I certainly would have another child.  Of course, health is a huge factor.  I have all but given up on the idea but I can’t stop thinking about it. It seems to be the one thing I can’t get over. 

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