It sounds crazy. A second pregnancy? After all the health crisis that I went through? With all the health problems I am still dealing with? Yes, it is crazy, or as one friend commented “I hope you are not pulling a Steel Magnolias!”
It’s a real gamble but ever since I became pregnant with my son six years ago, the question of whether I was going to have another child was always there. It was there throughout the pregnancy. It was there when I gave birth at 33 weeks. It was there when I was undergoing chemotherapy for my lupus flare that was attacking all my vital organs. It was there when my son turned one and I couldn’t walk from the effects of my illnesses. It was there when my son turned two and I was still suffering from myocarditis, with difficulty breathing from the fluids in my heart. It was there when my son turned three and I was on toxic immunosuppressants to keep my flares from attacking my organs. It was there when my son turned four and I was recovering from a total thryoidectomy to remove my thyroid cancer.
All the while, the answer was always a resounding “no”. I have had many doctors warn me against having another child. And over and over again, I tried to convince myself that having another baby would be a risk that my family and I could not afford to take.
But of all the many losses I suffered from accepting my illnesses, giving up the chance to have another child was a theory I had to test. I felt I had to go all in and see if it could be done. I had a small window where I was able to lower all my toxic drugs and even though I suffered greatly, it wasn’t affecting my vital organs. That doesn’t sound like much, but it was my best chance.
My son is now five and I am 18 weeks pregnant. I feel nervous and anxious about this pregnancy every day. I worry about the the high risk nature of my pregnancy. I bemoan the fact that my body seems to be an unhealthy host. I suffer from the added symptoms of pregnancy which exacerbates my existing symptoms. I lose sleep over how I wil be able to take care of a baby when I can’t even take care of myself right now.
All through it all, however, I never forget how grateful I am that my body is giving me another chance at bringing a life into this world. I feel truly blessed. And the only thing I hope for is a healthy outcome for my baby and a good recovery for me. Please send good thoughts our way….!