Lupieliving

Since I was diagnosed with lupus six years ago, there hasn’t been a moment when I am not aware of my how sick I am.  Being chronically ill has become a part of who I am.  A big part.

I wear many hats throughout the day, that of a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a woman.  But no matter what hat I’m wearing, I seem to always be wearing the chronically ill hat.  I can’t seem to take it off. It’s always there, the pain, the fatigue, and the sickness. 

So sometimes when I read messages like:

“I am not lupus.”

Or 

“I am stronger than lupus”

Or

“I have lupus but lupus doesn’t have me.”

I have to simply disagree. I understand that these are messages of encouragement and empowerment but to me, it doesn’t ring true.

I do feel like I am lupus, yes, albeit many other things.  I am not ONLY lupus but it is a big part of who I am everyday. Lupus has taken over parts of my identity, and I am no longer a lawyer, I am not a fully engaged mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend or self.  I cannot do or be anything without having my chronic illness affect it. 

I never feel like I am stronger than lupus.  Most days, I feel like it has me beat.  Everyday feels like a big battle just to live the semblance of a life I have cobbled together, in the wake of my big flares ,that left me severely sick and limited. 

And I definitely feel like lupus has a strong hold over me, my life and those close to me. Its grip is strong and its demands relentless. 

I fight hard against my illnesses but unfortunately, they are just a part of who I am now.