living with lupus, day by day, moment by moment

Today, as per my usual visit to the doctor, I filled out a wellness form. I checked off nearly all the listed the symptoms. And as I was checking them off, I can only think, no wonder I am so freaking miserable! I live feeling All these symptoms, All the time!

I am now approaching my eighth year since lupus became my constant, unwanted companion. My relationship with lupus is complicated. In the beginning, I ignored it and it became angry. Lupus doesn’t like being ignored. I became incredibly ill. Then I spent some time being in fear of it, as I lost my health and my life as I knew it. Then I tried to appease it, fight it, negotiate with it, and manage it. No one path seemed to work. Like I said, it’s complicated.

So where am I with it now?

I don’t ignore it, but I try not to let it in too much.

I take my meds. I go to my doctor’s visits. I rest. I listen to my body. I watch what I eat. I am mindful. But I have given extra doctor visits, extra procedures, extra meds, extra diets a rest. For now. I am somewhere between wanting to ignore it but only managing to distract myself from it. It is just enough to keep my sanity because reminding myself that I will never be rid of lupus feels like being buried alive. I can’t breathe when I think about it.

If that makes any sense.

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