living with lupus, day by day, moment by moment

When I was a little girl, my birthday wishes were very unrealistic.  Think unicorns, time travel, x-ray vision, and such.  As I grew up, it became more realistic and wishes became more like goals.  Yet, as I face turning 38 tomorrow, I find myself dreaming once again.  I wish that I will wake up and be magically cured.  To not be sick anymore.  To feel normal once again. 

I became sick four and a half years ago.  Everyday I have been sick, fatigued and in pain.  

Every. Single. Day. 

I no longer know what it feels like to be normal.  What would it be like to shed my disease ridden body and spend a day without being constantly reminded of my limitations? It would be so glorious.  It would feel so free! 

I used to think that such a day might come.  But  now that day seems just as unrealistic as being able to fly. I might one day feel better than I am now, but I will never be whole again.  I’m learning to be ok with that, but on days like these, I can’t help but indulge in my dreams.  What would I do tomorrow if I wasn’t sick?  Perhaps not too much more than what I might end up doing.  But ah, to do them without pain.  To do them without being sick.  To have the energy to enjoy them.  That’s what might be different. 

Imagine, and I no longer can, waking up feeling refreshed! To not feel like my body is radiating with pain.  To not have a pounding headache.  To get out of bed, without feeling nauseous and dizzy. To be present because my pain is not taking most of my brain.  To be able to enjoy my day instead of thinking how nice it would be to rest.  To not feel the pain when I sit or walk because my nerve damage is sending excruciating pain throughout my body.  To be able to eat without feeling nauseous.  To not worry about where the nearest bathroom is.  To run around with my son. To not worry whether I can last it through the day.  To be able to go to sleep at the end of th day. 

That would be my birthday wish this year. 

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