Lupieliving

living with lupus, day by day, moment by moment

I woke up Monday morning feeling sicker than usual.  My head was pounding, I was dizzy and nauseous.  My body felt like it was on fire and laying down hurt.  Getting up felt worse.  My stomach was killing me. 

 Ah, another flare but why? Did I do too much on Sunday? Did I eat something I shouldn’t have? I tried to remember what preceded this breakdown of my body but came up with no answers – of course. Lupus flares come without any warning and trying to pinpoint the cause is almost always an exercise in futility. 

Past couple of days were spent in bed suffering from extreme GI issues, accompanied by supercharged symptoms of dizziness, nausea, headache, muscle pain, overactive nerve pain and joint pain. It knocks me off my feet and I am left moaning and whimpering from the sheer torture that my body is going through.  I am drowning in pain, sadness and tears. 

Two days strong and there doesn’t seem to be much improvement.  Sadly, I know that no doctors can help me through the pain.  Experience has taught me that going to the hospital is a waste of time.  There is no relief and I just have to weather the storm. Laying down hurts whatever part of the body I’m lying on.  Sitting up uses energy I don’t have.  Standing up results in dizziness, nausea and shortness of breath.  Multiple trips to the bathroom from my GI issues feels like I climbing Mt. Everest.  I want to sleep but I’m in too much pain to do so.

These unpredictable flares really hits me hard mentally.  Just when I think I have my limitations figured out, seemingly untriggered flares like this remind me how debilitating this disease can be.  It hits you fast and hard. 

The last couple of days, I couldn’t help thinking about how my body will be after birth. I am sick as it is so I am scared that my body will break under a c-section surgery.  Reading how healthy women could expect to take weeks to recover, I shudder to think what my recovery will look like.  How will I ever be able to enjoy and take care of my baby when my body gives out?

I expect not to be able to much after the baby is born but the last couple of days reminded me to prepare for the worst.  I am so disheartened. 

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