The assumption is that since I do not work, and I have a toddler at home, I must be a “SAHM” – a stay at home mom.
Yes, I am a mom and I do stay at home. But this belies the real truth of why I am home . . . I’m sick!
I am sick all the time. Not just some days or parts of the day, but 24/7. Whereas, most people are healthy and are sick occasionally, my baseline is that I am sick all the time and become ill very frequently. I walk a tightrope all day and it is a full time job to keep my health in check. So sleeping in, resting during the day, getting massages, and doing restorative yoga, all sound absolutely wonderful but I am not doing these for enjoyment, I am doing it so I don’t become ill and bedridden. In between all these activities, I have to keep up with my doctor visits and take all my medications. The thing that takes up most of my time, however, is being really sick. Staying up all night because I am in so much pain, or because I am vomiting. Not being able to eat because I am too nauseous. Not being able to get up because I am too tired. Having to lie down because I feel dizzy. Being absolutely miserable because I have a splitting headache. Not being able to walk because i have difficulty breathing. The list goes on, and with lupus, you never know what will be thrown your way. It’s like playing Russian roulette with my body everyday.
As much as I would like to be, I am not a SAHM since I am not capable of taking care of my son on my own. I need full time help. To many outsider, this might seem pretty nice . . . to only have one son, not work and have full time help. It does not help that I do not look sick. So I just let the assumption continue and many people do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Many people would just not understand but I wish they did . . . .